Once again, J.J. Jammer has gone where no one in the Ted Chain would dare. J.J. listened to 500 tapes and afterward had to be rushed to the hospital after falling into a catatonic state. A pile of tapes and papers were found at his home, and we were able to piece together the following:
40. Adventure in the Dryer Vomit 39. 11 O'Clock Tick Tock Bad Display 38. Ode to Penalologists Buttocks III 37. Orgasms in the Orient Crass Idiocy 36. Unintelligible Trash JJJammers 35. Running with the Devil Tasteless Choice 34. Random Chord Massacre JJJammers II 33. She's a Tease Crass Idiocy 32. Just Like Paradise Classical Ugandan Music 31. Willow Hill JJJammers 30. I Have Three Heads Natural Log 29. Beater's Bolero Dick Beaters 28. Reverse Transfusion Dr. Malpractis 27. Touch My Oatmeal and Stick Your Fingers in the Bowl Rancid Oatmeal 26. Parachute Costume with Raw Meat Rotting Face 25. Inside Straight 12 Positions 24. Spousal Abuse Depression Era 23. Genetic Engineering Scientific Find 22. Bar-B-Q Now Ted Team 21. View from the Electric Chair Kapital Punishment 20. Get It Up Naked 9 19. Empty Streets Ted On It All 18. To Be A Butt Uranus Rising 17. Tribute to Indian Ted's Buttocks 16. Body Fluid Soup Kitchen Vomit 15. Deep Submersive Impulse J.J.'s Buttocks 14. Cracks in My Underwear (Fire!) Absolute Value 13. Angle 10° 12 Positions 12. Hollow Ween Ted Team 11. Baloney San Diego Sandwich Factory Boys 10. What To Do Anarchist Women 9. Rear Entry 12 Positions 8. Vibrating Face Arm & Dildo 7. Morbid Transmutation JJJammers 6. Arraigned But Acquitted Name Not Released Band 5. John Jones Liverworks 4. Message to a Deaf Person Absolute Value 3. Sue Blues Natural Log 2. Don't Do It Last Supper 1. Washing Machine Ted Chain Ensemble
This is the story behind "Washing Machine," recorded by the Ted Chain Ensemble at the Battle of the Buttocks, recently named the All Time Worst Ted Chain Song. This legendary song is so excruciatingly awful that Ted himself is the only person who has ever listened to it more than once.
The Battle of the Buttocks was planned as the last event in Ted Chain history. It was to feature a battle between two supergroups, Ted's Buttocks, and J.J.'s Buttocks. The finale was to be a massive jam on the Buttocks classic "Washing Machine," featuring dozens of Ted Chain musicians and Al Buttt himself, the musical genius behind the Buttocks.
As originally planned, the concert was to end with Ted setting his guitar on fire, just like Jimi Hendrix at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967. This was pre-empted by several dramatic events, including the roof of the sloppily built Butt Palace caving in during the jam.
Problems began much earlier, however. After a preliminary tune-up and sound check, the heating system in the Butt Palace, which had been hastily constructed in Montgomery Village specially for this event, failed. The temperature inside the arena quickly fell to match the December freeze outside, falling about fifty degrees in two hours. This caused all of the guitars left on stage to go out of tune, a problem that was not discovered until after the Ted Chain Ensemble began playing. Even then, only about half of the musicians could hear through the TFA monitors well enough to know something was wrong. Their shouting and screaming at Ted added to the audio mayhem, but did not solve anything.
The most dramatic event occurred about halfway through the song, during Scott Bath Key's bass solo. No one knows for sure exactly what happened, except maybe Ted. As the roof fell in, Ted tried to jump from the stage, but tripped over his guitar cord and was trapped, along with his guitar, under his fallen TFA amplifier. The falling roof scattered most of the musicians and fans. Damage to the recording and mixing equipment resulted in Ted's guitar being turned all the way up in the mix, and everything else being turned down. For thirteen minutes, the most ear bleeding feedback ever heard on the face of the earth filled the disintegrating Butt Palace and sent the surviving musicians and fans running for their lives. Fortunately, (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view) what Ted affectionately calls his ultimate musical statement, the "Feedback Solo", was captured on tape. Combine this with twenty five minutes of horrifically out of tune guitars and messily mixed drums, keyboards, and voices, and you have an exercise in hearing loss for anyone who dares to listen.