I know absolutely nothing about movies. But I know what I like. Read these reviews to learn more about me, and to be warned about really lousy movies I've had the distinct displeasure of viewing. Pete's Dragon was the inspiration for this review page. Read the review and you'll find out why.
My rating system is a five-star system. A "*****+" rating is given to my all-time favorite films. Negative stars are awarded on occasion for really awful movies (like Pete's Dragon).
I'd like to briefly weigh in on the widescreen versus fullscreen issue before I begin. I refuse to purchase fullscreen versions of movies. They are a crime against the Director and the Director of Photography who slave for months over composition. As a photographer myself, I would be fuming mad if I found out that someone decided to arbitrarily crop my work so it would fill their space. I feel better now.
I'll agree it's really boring. And the solarization is a little too groovy at the end. But HAL rocks! You really have to read the book to understand the movie. It's very much like a ballet.
I went into this one with high expectations only to find out it was just another "space aliens are out to destroy the world and someone has to stop them" film. If anyone wants to buy the DVD off me, I'll let it go at $5.
Antitrust (2001) *****+And I thought WarGames (1983) and Hackers (1995) were good. After viewing this one, you realize that those movies were just about lame sysadmins using recycled techniques to get into other people's machines. Antitrust is actually about software developers. To top it off, they actually edit text files and enter unix commands. Oddly enough, it isn't boring. It's no surprise that it flopped at the box office, though. It delivers a message that the world doesn't want to hear. It's a little too real to be enjoyable for them. For us developers, though, it's a dream come true. I don't care if you're a fan of open or closed source, there's a little Gary Winston in all of us. |
I think the consumer product safety commission would have a lot to say about this robot boy thing. After the robot attacked the parents with scissors, I think they probably should have returned it to the manufacturer. A completely preposterous film. At least the ending was better than Contact (1997), but I would have walked out of the theater and demanded my money back before even seeing it. The fact that a rental is only $4 is what allowed me to waste 2 hours of my life on this horrid film. Haley is great, though. Check out Sixth Sense (1999) to see him with a good script.
Too much psychology, not enough math. That was my only complaint.
I love Jim Varney. But only when he's in commercials. Most of his attempts at movies have fallen far short of his commercials and his half hour saturday morning kids show (which was basically just a bunch of commercials). The funniest joke in the whole film is when Lea Thompson tells Jed in a thick French accent, "Happiness is hard to find," and Jed thinks she is saying, "A penis is hard to find." I was rolling on the floor for hours.
Awful. This kid had everything, including sex, then he decided to go back to being a kid again. What an idiot.
Kids will love it. Pan and scan transfer really rots. The message is good, but the ending needed a bit of a rewrite to give it more emotional impact. If I'm going to sit and watch a movie about a tortured horse, I want to cry my eyes out.
A classic. I've never seen a film with so little dialog. Well, ok, perhaps 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). I still found it a bit hard to swallow that the mother would actually let the kid do it.
The end of this movie sums it up. Arthur screams, "Run boy! Run boy! Run!". If you see this one at the rental store, that's exactly what you should do too. Completely embarassing. After Lancelot is knighted (1:35:37 on the DVD), watch Arthur put his hand around the big penis on the back of the throne. As the shot progresses the shadow of the penis is cast on Arthur's cheek.
I do recommend the CD since the music is great. But get the "Original Cast Recording" with Julie Andrews and Robert Goulet since no one in the movie can sing. Too bad there isn't a CD without Richard Harris.
Coming to America (1988) *****Eddie Murphy's best film. A relentless barrage of hilarious one-liners. "When you think of garbage, think of Akeem." An absolute classic. "The royal penis is clean, your highness." |
My only complaint is that the translation into english was too good. Had it been poorly translated and overdubbed like most martial arts films, I would have given this one an "all time favorite" award.
Carl Sagan was a really cool guy, but this story really sucked. It was reasonably acceptable until the really bad ending where we see Jodie Foster flailing about in chroma-key as her dead father tells her the meaning of life from the point of view of an alien. What were they thinking when they made this garbage?
Raised by wolves, er, uh, lemurs to be a left-wing bleeding heart liberal, Aladar saves the day, as usual. Basically a special effects film with a really lousy script. Star Wars Episode I (1999) comes to mind.
I really couldn't get into this film. What was it supposed to be about? I think it was about saving a tiger or something.
And I thought history class was boring.... *YAWN* Although I have to admit, I've never seen anyone get poisoned by a dress.
I first saw this movie in 2002. I assume my parents wouldn't let me see it when it was released because the Catholic Standard probably banned it since it is a blatant rip-off of the story of Jesus. Or maybe it was because it was the story of Jesus, and it included the phrase "penis-breath". All I can say is that it's better than the Bible (and Cats).
A really great movie. A classic. But I really hate gangsta films.
In most movies, you are supposed to like the main character and feel for them. In this movie Scarlet comes across as a completely unlikeable spoiled brat from beginning to end. Rhett isn't any better. Prissy is just a basket case, and the men are a bunch of racist idiots. The only likeable person in the whole film is Mammy (Hattie McDaniel). Mammy steals every scene she is in. Unfortunately there aren't enough Mammy scenes to make the movie worth 4 hours (!) of your life. Fiddle-dee-dee!
Hilarious. But I don't think I would've picked groundhog day to live over and over and over and over and......
Hackers (1995) *****While essentially a very silly hacking movie, it does serve as an entertaining record of a number of famous hacker tricks (modified so kids at home can't really learn what to do from the movie). Weaving all these tricks, from Red Boxing to Social Engineering into the plot of the movie is a lot of fun to watch. I really loved the GUI and the Pentium chip in the Apple Powerbook. And there are the unforgettable quotes: "Hack the Gibson" and "RISC is going to change everything." Similar Movies: Antitrust (2001), WarGames (1983). |
Arguably one of John Williams' best scores. And a great story to go with it. I love films that make you wish you were there.
Great kid's film. Worth renting. But something about it prevents it from being a classic. Incredibly sentimental. A bit too anti-gun.
Great kid's film. The argument between Jimmy and the girl in science class over standards of research is worth the rental price.
Great suspense movie. A milestone in special effects. A great movie. But like all suspense movies, not worth owning since it won't be as good the second time.
Learn the "Crane Technique". If do right, no can defense! When I saw this in the theater in 1984, the audience gave it a standing ovation. A classic.
A little too dated and underbudget to be what it could be. We usually vacation in Chincoteague/Assateague, so the film has sentimental value for us. Kids will love it. But even they might bust out laughing at the awful acting. The book's better. The photography appears to be great, but the lousy pan and scan transfer makes it hard to tell. Oh, and why does grandpa Beebe speak like a cross between a New Yorker and a Southerner? I guess they didn't have any dialog coaches that knew how to speak "Eastern Shore".
Total tear-jerking woman-power crap. I loved it. It was also fascinating to see Christina Aguilera wearing clothes in the bonus music video on the DVD.
A classic marching band film. Proves once and for all that talent is not required to be in a marching band. As if anyone needed to prove that. Eee-gods! (Watch your phraseology!)
Overall, not too bad. A few classic Eddie Murphy moments, but Coming to America is still much better.
October Sky (1999) *****Great nerd film. A little too sentimental at times, but otherwise a
really great film. Everyone should own this movie. Buy it if you love
model rocketry and/or nerdiness. The only flaw is that it is historically
inaccurate, as most Hollywood films are. The book
Rocket Boys |
Office Space (1999) *****Another great hacker film, although it isn't really about hacking. It's more about the mundane lameness of working at a software job, and what you should do about it. Now, where's my stapler? |
I don't usually like war films. But this one was really well done. Quite a bit of gore (as expected), but also quite a bit of story. If you want to get your teenagers into history, this may be the best (and only) way.
Basically one big huge battle scene. This is the perfect movie for showing off your new surround sound system and 6000 inch widescreen direct-view TV. But that's about all it's good for.
The film opens with blatant child abuse by a bunch of hillbillies led by Shelley Winters (type-cast straight out of Bloody Mama (1970)). Then we discover that the pressures of running a lighthouse have driven Lampie (Mickey Rooney) to be drunk through most of the film. As if that's not enough, an entire bar full of men attempt to have fully-clothed anal intercourse with Helen Reddy. Through it all I kept thinking, "Who told Helen Reddy that she could sing?" Wholesome family entertainment? I think not. A waste of two hours of your life? Completely.
Julie Andrews rocks in this film. Very funny. A little too "save the environment" preachy near the end, but quite a few good laughs throughout.
Putney Swope (1969) *****+My favorite movie of all time. Think of it as South Park meets Dilbert. The entire film is comprised of corporate satire one-liners. Still, I don't recommend renting or buying it as most people wouldn't understand it. Come over to my house to watch it for free, then decide. |
A fun movie about astronauts. Another historically inaccurate Hollywood film, but still, quite entertaining.
About the only thing this movie proves is that Gwyneth Paltrow has great bubbies and William Shakespeare was an amazing writer. But I still wonder how difficult it was for famous football coach and commentator John Madden to make such a huge change of careers and direct this movie.
A good suspense movie, but like most suspense movies, not really worth buying or watching more than once. Kind of like Flatliners (1990), but much better. That kid can really act. Too bad his next movie (Artificial Intelligence: AI (2001)) was such a loser.
If you've never seen nuns pull a distributor cap and ignition coil, you absolutely must buy this movie. A true classic.
Loads of fun. A classic. If you haven't seen this, you are either unborn or dead.
Unlike most people, I actually thought Jar-Jar was the only redeeming character in this whole film. Everybody else needed to be a little more engaged in this otherwise very boring film. Queen Amidala: "My performance is dying, senator." Special Effects do not make a movie, guys. Let's hope Episode II is better.
And I thought Episode I was bad. Anakin and Padme have absolutely no chemistry, and can't act worth a damn. This film is embarassing. Too much bad acting, not enough Jar-Jar. Count Dooku and Obi-Wan are great, however. If George Lucas is smart he won't direct the next one, and he'll recast Anakin and Padme.
WarGames (1983) *****+Another of my all time favorites. I wish my life during High School was exactly like this movie. Now that I think of it, it was. Well, except for the "being busted by the government" and "saving the world" parts. Unfortunately. Similar Movies: Antitrust (2001), Hackers (1995). |
tells the
real story.