Boronotronics

"Suppliers to the World of High-Power,
Pre-Failed Hardware."

Our Guarantee

"If any product we sell you ever works, we will come to your site and break it."

Press Releases

iConfusion
Boronotronics Graphics Design Division has just released the Icon Confusion wallpaper. Annoy your friends with this wallpaper that makes it next to impossible to find any icons on the desktop. Originally created in September of 1999, we are making this exciting wallpaper available to you now in August of 2004 (don't say we didn't keep you waiting). Install it on your machine today! Best when used with Windows 98. Also pretty good with Windows 95 and Me. Right click the image below, save it someplace and install as wallpaper. Don't forget to tile it to get the full effect of the confusion!


Friday August 20, 2004

2017!
Boronotronics alternate fuel 2017! Brings to your door an alternate fuel for the next century, available today! Made from a secret patented formula of hyper-processed spherically condensed super-saturated bovine excreta, which when placed in your tank will give you the results that even Dante never would have expected! Boronotronics alternate fuel 2017! Not available wherever better cow-pies are sold.

BCD-2000, The Fastest CD-ROM Drive in the World
Today, Boronotronics has announced a new CD-ROM drive that breaks all previous speed records. Clocking in at 2000 times normal CD reading speed, the BCD-2000 CD-ROM drive will have all the other CD-ROM drive manufacturers playing catch-up for years. To achieve these unprecedented speeds, Boronotronics has developed and patented a new CD reading mechanism. Instead of spinning the CD over a stationary laser, the CD is held stationary while the laser spins around. As with any new approach there have been a few drawbacks. So far, only about 10% of the CD can be read by this drive. This is a limitation imposed by the shape of the CD drawer which obscures the other 90% of the CD from view of the moving laser. Also, like a washing machine, the BCD-2000 will occasionally get out of balance and shake loose from its mounting in a violent fashion, potentially harming humans and other small domestic animals. A small price to pay for the latest and greatest. The BCD-2000 CD-ROM Drive is only available for use with the proprietary Boronotronics Interface Technology Channel Hybrid (BITCH) interface. Remember, if you can't interface to your peripherals, you know it's a BITCH.
Monday, July 8, 2002

Boronotronics Press Announces "for Borons" Series
A new line of beginner-targeted books is now available from Boronotronics Press. Building on Boronotronics' smash success with "The Complete Boron's Guide to the Moronic (Windows 95)", Boronotronics Press hopes to elevate the intellectual level of its readers with the heavy handed writing and quick wittiness they've come to love. The new "for Borons" series presents everything a complete novice needs to know about a topic while making them feel completely stupid. First releases include: There's no need to be a Boron any more with the new "for Borons" series from Boronotronics Press!
Tuesday, November 15, 2001

Boronotronics Introduces New Logo
Boronotronics proudly unveils its new logo. The logo features the Angel of Obsolescence and one of Boronotronics' most (un)successful products, the open-air hard drive. As a tribute to Boronotronics continuing commitment to our mission statement: "If it ain't broke, you didn't get it from us," one of the angel's wings is broken. Contact our publicity department for versions of the logo suitable for printing in any size up to billboard.
Tuesday, June 13, 2000

Boronotronics Press Announces First Book Titles
Boronotronics' new book publishing division has been hard at work putting together the most technologically advanced titles. Here is a list of books released today. Wednesday, April 22, 1998

2018!
The folks at Boronotronics are pleased to announce their newest product, 2018! 2018 makes your metals three times as dense at half the weight. Available in ferrous and non-ferrous formulas.
Wednesday, March 25, 1998

Boronotronics Backbone Network (BBN)
Boronotronics proudly unveils a solution to Internet congestion that will handle mankind's need for the 'Net into the next 3 millenia. The first technology, Dynamic Transfer Method, or DTM increases the throughput of any standard networking physical layer by well over several million fold. The controversial new signaling technique requires a several gigawatt repeater every 6 feet, but the results at this point are amazing. "We've traditionally tried to stay within the bounds of the OSI model," stated Chad Mynhier, Director of Networking Stuff, "but this idea was so radical, we had to do it."

In an effort to get this technology out and in use where it matters the most, Boronotronics has taken the unprecedented step of proposing a replacement for the current Internet. Currently dubbed, "Internet B," Boronotronics promises to single-handedly solve every bandwidth problem on the Internet. "Combined with the BRA, this is an unbeatable solution," explained Woof, Director of Marketing, "Particularly in the triple-D cup size."

The Internet B/BBN project is currently tied up in litigation due to a suit filed by Bolt, Beranek and Newman.
Sunday, November 2, 1997

Boronotronics Router Appliance (BRA)

August 21, 1997

It slices... It dices... It routes!

Our Networking Products Division is booming this month with new products. The new Boronotronics Router Appliance (BRA) is our next generation router product that includes a Global Positioning System (GPS) receiver to enable dynamic naming of routers based on Latitude/Longitude. This allows more efficient Point-A to Point-B routing of Internet traffic. This 12th generation router also includes full support for the currently draft Chad Transfer Mode (CTM) standard pioneered by our Director of Networking Stuff, Chad Mynhier. "ATM uses a small cell so that they can get good performance for "real-time" stuff. Our product goes one step further by using an even smaller 11-byte cell. 10 bytes are used for the header and 7 bits for checksum, so we end up sending one bit of data per cell. This is an acceptable tradeoff when you consider the outstanding real-time performance gains." The BRA is available only in DD and DDD cup sizes.

Boronosynchronous Transfer Method (BTM)

June 9, 1997

Heralded as a new breakthrough in throughput, the currently draft BTM protocol has just been finalized and will be incorporated in several of Boronotronics' products for 3Q97. Critics have commented that the protocol may be far too complex to implement, but most of them had no idea what they were talking about. "This is really fast" reports Chad Mynhier, Director of Networking Stuff for Boronotronics. "I can't believe it's not butter" reports Fabio.

Internet Blitzer

October 31, 1996

Now that the Phone lines are becoming saturated nationwide due to the Internet, Boronotronics announces its latest product...the Internet Blitzer. With this product, you can send unending messages to all users on all service providers near and far, forever! Once your message is on the 'Net, you can never get it off. Internet Blitzer, available only on inner-city street corners after dark.

Comfort-Radies!

October 1, 1996

Truculent Technologies, a subsidiary of Boronotronics, always contributing to the heat loss of the Universe, is going nationwide with Comfort-Radies, the first and still best selling spray-on Plutonium undergarments... Watch for them in your dealers leader glass case.

Our Products

Operating Systems Division

BoronOS

"The OS that crashes faster than Windows 95 on every known benchmark."

Perfect for the computer hobbyist. With all of the effort they'll put into trying to get BoronOS to work, they'll learn everything there is to know about their hardware.

Endorsed by the Department of Motor Vehicles in several states. "Instead of lying about the computer being down all the time, it really is!", Jake Sopwith, North Carolina DMV.

This state of the art Operating System provides the latest in 33-bit pre-empted architecture. Requires 1gig of RAM and a 3 terabyte hard disk. A special Boronotronics 786 processor is included. The 786 is pin-compatible with most Intel processors.

Personal Systems Division

6X Floppy Drive

The new 6X high speed floppy drive from Boronotronics spins floppy disks at an unprecedented 1800RPM! This results in a throughput of over 3 Megabytes per second. A special controller card is included along with a box of 10 preformatted Boronotronics high speed floppy disks. Disks hold the standard 1.44Meg and are specially lubricated to dissipate the extreme heat generated at 1800 RPM.

Gaseous Electronics Division

New from Boronotronics Gaseous Electronics Division!

The Methanator X600! Using a solid fuel cell, and a supply of 440volts/10gigawatts, the Methanator X600 can produce a 5000 cubic foot per minute flow of methane gas. Fuel cells come in 5 and 10 minute sizes.

Catalog # 37462384784839927483837483G374637. Price: $200,000 for one X600, $5500 5-minute X600 fuel cell, $6000 10-minute X600 fuel cell.

Gaseous Links

Gaseous Electronics Lab at UIUC.

Ergonomics Division

The Boronotronics Ergonomic Mouse!

This specially designed 1 foot square pointing device is carefully contoured to fit the palm of your hand. Connects to your computer's parallel port and requires an external supply of 220 volts/13 Amps. Available in a choice of designer colors. Energy saving feature shuts down mouse when the room becomes dark. 13 Amp current draw guarantees a warm hand during operation. Special 2 foot square mouse pad included.

Catalog # 37462384784839927482837483G374637. Price: $6,000 for one BM-1.

Boronotronics and the Angel of Obsolescence logo are registered trademarks of Boronotronics, Inc.